What are we
if not just,
a flicker of light,
gone in an instant,
a single breath,
one of many,
a single tick of the secondhand
on the clock of eternity,
A single mind,
wondering what's beyond the stars.
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Canary word: Present
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140,592 Literary Works • 673,545 Reviews
I'm going to have to side with Ed on this one. This poem just didn't do anything for me. I actually rather liked the style, but the repetition of "single" was irritating and rather amateurish, and it didn't feel complete. There was a great build-up of impetus--that just went absolutely nowhere. Expand on it; this piece has a lot of potential, but at the moment it's just "blah."
Thanks for the suggestions!
I like this. Simple and straight to the point. I can picture the stars and how we all at times gaze at them and wonder "What is the real meaning of our existance"?
Ooo... I did like this. Yes, it is fragmented, but it's done in such a good way...!
I shall tell you why I liked it line by line and hopefully I shall see many good poems from you later on!
I love this line because it goes from "we" as all of mankind and then tries to define what mankind is. It's so daunting, and yet the poem is so simplistic that it's mind-boggling. Awesome stuff!
My one gripe with this stanza is that it doesn't incorporate "single" as the adjective in front. Still, "flicker" is such a good word that I am not sure what you could do to improve it.
I'm not a fan of the last line as much, but the first line I love because breath seems to go back to the ocean, which has waves that sound like breaths. This is cool because you're dealing with mankind and by dealing with ocean, this brings to mine creation where, according to evolution, we all came from.
On the clock of eternity is a little cheesy, but I can see how pretty it is, so I'm really at a loss to say how you can improve it. It's really really good.
Ahh! These lines are so pretty that it makes me so happy! This is really really beautiful stuff. You go from all of mankind, focus it down to simple stuff, and then end with a single mind yearning for God. It's truly amazing stuff.
With that said, I love how you get from mankind to light, which comes from sunlight which is what created us (we are children of the stars, hehe!) and then goes to the ocean, which created us (if you believe in evolution) and then to time, which observes our deaths. And then finally you end with God, who will conquer death (if you believe that stuff -- I happen to, but who knows your thoughts?
Really sophisticated stuff! Really beautiful images and yes... I'll definitely keep an eye for you. You definitely have a lot of talent.
EDIT: Maybe change the title so it's a lot more catchy?
I like this, the simplicity is powerful.
I'd suggest reading this aloud and rethinking some of your punctuation. You've used some of the commas inappropriately and I think it breaks the rhythm, which is otherwise carried out very well.
You... never even finished this sentence-of-a-poem. You never conveyed what idea might've inspired this. You never even finished up this fragmented series of poorly connected images.
What was with the randomly used 'single' as a description? And as a rhetorical question, this didn't work. It would've been a stretch as a question in general.
Get out there and read around. See how others do things, how they word things, and what about it is good, is right. Then try and make these things your own.
Good luck,
~Ed